It is raining where you are. Where both of you are. Where all three of you are. My goodness. Tonight... this silent night... there are *eight* of you there in that house. Nestled in the woods, in the most beautiful temperate rain forest in the world. Under a roof I helped shingle. Surrounded by trees I have pruned. Bordered by roses I have cupped in my hands.
I am a world away; Los Angeles is practically another dimension, my friends, my love. I am dreaming. In bed alone with my hand on your pillow, with my ole one-eyed cat snoring loudly. I’m dreaming:
Bare feet against golden white sand. The pale blue-green waves around my ankles are like something carbonated, tiny warm bubbles in clean, popping foam. There are occasional stones in the sand but they are flat and smooth and completely clear. Skip them, angel, and they’ll vanish into the depths like cosmic fish. But they’ll also grant your every wish; Let me instead?
You are walking beside me. You hold my hand. Your hair falls to your waist. The white ties of your shirt are undone. Your white skirt is brushed cotton. You whisper into the wind, “I love you like moonlight, your heart like the tide.”
A gentle wave washes red rose petals around our feet and I wake to find you beside me.
“EJ,” said Jessica on the phone, her new-mom voice exhausted with joy. “Tell me again, Angel. Tell me again.”
Jess? Here, again:
At the end of my days I walk the shore of eternity with my Lord. And He has all the time in the world for me and all the time in forever. He is never rushed. He is never distracted. He is my own and I am His. I want for nothing and no one because everything I have ever loved is in His eyes. I looked all my life for a man to complete me... and only one could.
I look back over my shoulder. I see our footprints in the sand. I see where we ran hard. I see where we sank to our knees together. I see where we stumbled, fell, stood back up – oh, Jess... Brianne... Tricia... Cris... *stood back up!* -- and marched on. I see those places where there is only one set of footprints.
Shyly I look up at Him. I smile. I whisper, “I like it when you carried me.”
It's raining in Port Orchard, Washington. You are sleeping somewhere where you can hear it. It sounds like words from God against the roof. The thrumming carries His words down to you. Listen very carefully and His voice blooms in your mind and heart, no longer hidden away by the filter of the world. He is always insistent. He is always fair. And He always knows us far better than we know ourselves. His rain says:
“Oh, my soul, sometimes we don't know what to do.
We work so hard being tough on our own
But now it's me and you.
Let's give it up, these sad bones
'Cause we are following hard times.
But you don't have to stand up all alone
Just put your hand in mine.”
Climb on a back that’s strong. We are never alone. I am with you... Christ said that, too, you know. And:
I want to help you with everything. I want to comfort you when you're scared. Come to you, hold you when you are lonely. I want to make you laugh when you want to cry, to make you shout praises to God when you want to scream in despair. I want to be what you need. Do what you need. I want this like I've never wanted anything else. I feel it in my heart -- my immortal heart! -- like a physical ache. I want to be your everything. Because you are my everything. I love you this much.
Sweet Lord...
You whisper to me like this and I unravel into stardust and ribbons. I sink forward, my
brow in my hands, my fingers in my hair, my eyes closed, and I am praying without even thinking about it. I am so passionately in love. So completely in love. So willing to walk this path, your path, Lord. If this is the definition of enraptured, then, Christ? I am *so* there. I believe your every word. I follow you anywhere. I trust you. I believe you. I accept you into my heart like light, into my lungs like air.
“How can you love like that, EJ? How can you... *give it up* like that?”
Because it feels so good to give it up. It feels so right. I respond to the whispers of divinity. I embrace the silver moonlight. Drown me, Lord. You are all that I want... not to mention all that I need. My everything.
Divinely inspired? Hm. The blush across my cheeks says, “Yes... and hallelujah.”
I would give up anything for you. I would do anything for you. I would carry the world. I would let it fall at my feet. Crumbled or conquered, I willingly turn to you as my guiding light, my eternal love. Christ, break my heart. I can take it. Break my heart and remake it into the shape you want. Teach me a lesson. Make me feel it. I will learn like never before. Hand me this love, silver in the hours of the night, and I swear to you, I will stand so strong – apart or together, forever – you will see in me a soldier of divinity.
“You have saved me a place in heaven
With a clean well-lighted room.
So I muscle up to Armageddon
And wave, ‘Come on, love, we’ll be home soon!’”
I am more yours in this moment than I was yesterday, though not yet quite as much as I will be tomorrow when I wake.
We never stand alone. We always stand with Him. Whether or not we choose to see Him is our choice. But He walks with us nonetheless. His hand is not always in ours... because sometimes, yes, He carries us.
E.J.
I am so proud of all of you. Bless you for enriching my life like rain fall.
